The Cult of the 'Pick Me' Girl: How Misogyny Evolves

The Cult of the 'Pick Me' Girl: How Misogyny Evolves

The internet has a long history of coining terms to describe certain types of women, and few have been as divisive as the 'pick me' girl. Originally used to critique women who reject feminism and seek male approval by positioning themselves as "not like other girls," the term has since evolved into a widely used insult, often wielded against women in ways that reinforce misogyny rather than challenge it. But why has the 'pick me' girl become such a cultural phenomenon, and how does this discourse reflect broader gender dynamics?

The Origins of the 'Pick Me' Girl

The term 'pick me' has its roots in online feminist discourse, initially used to describe women who seek validation from men by distancing themselves from traits stereotypically associated with femininity. The classic 'pick me' girl might say things like, "I just get along better with guys," or, "I'm not like those other girls who are too dramatic." The concept is closely tied to internalised misogyny, where women absorb and reproduce sexist beliefs to gain social acceptance.

This phenomenon is not new. Literature, film, and media have long portrayed women who reject traditional femininity to appeal to men, whether it be the 'cool girl' trope seen in films like Gone Girl or the 'tomboy' character who is framed as superior to traditionally feminine women. Even pop culture figures like Jennifer Lawrence, who famously branded herself as "quirky" and "relatable" for her love of pizza and beer, have been scrutinised for supposedly playing into the 'pick me' persona to appeal to male audiences.

What is new, however, is the way the internet has turned this concept into a weaponised label, used indiscriminately to shame women rather than critique broader patriarchal norms.

Who Gets Called a 'Pick Me'?

While the term initially had a specific meaning, it has since expanded to encompass a broad range of behaviours, often applied inconsistently. Women who hold conservative views, prefer traditionally gendered roles, or criticise certain aspects of feminism are frequently labelled as 'pick me' girls. However, so are women who simply express a preference for things deemed "unfeminist", whether that be enjoying male-dominated hobbies, expressing attraction to men in ways others disapprove of, or even embracing traditional relationships.

One of the biggest contradictions in the 'pick me' discourse is that it largely exempts men from scrutiny. While women are frequently accused of performing for male validation, little attention is given to how men actively shape and reinforce these dynamics. A woman who enjoys gaming and prefers male friendships may be called a 'pick me', yet men who prefer the company of women or demean other men to gain female approval are rarely criticised in the same way. This double standard highlights how the term, rather than addressing the roots of misogyny, often serves to police women's behaviour.

A recent example of this occurred on TikTok, where the 'pick me' label has been applied to female influencers who engage in traditionally "masculine" spaces, such as sports commentary or gaming. Women like influencer Bobbi Althoff, who became famous for interviewing rappers in a deadpan style, have been accused of altering their personality to appeal to men. Meanwhile, men who engage in the same behaviours receive far less scrutiny.

Misogyny Reinvented: How the Label is Used Against Women

Rather than dismantling internalised misogyny, the widespread use of 'pick me' as an insult often reinforces it. Calling a woman a 'pick me' does not challenge the structures that encourage women to seek male approval; it simply isolates and shames individuals for navigating a system that disadvantages them.

Moreover, the term is frequently used in bad faith, shutting down discussions rather than fostering meaningful critique. Women who express views that challenge mainstream feminist discourse, who enjoy femininity without subscribing to feminist ideologies, or who even critique certain trends within online feminism are often dismissed as 'pick me' girls. This creates an environment where there is little room for nuanced discussion on gender roles, power structures, and the pressures women face.

The label also disproportionately affects marginalised women. Black women, for instance, are often branded as 'pick me' for upholding traditional gender roles or criticising aspects of feminism that do not align with their cultural experiences. Women from conservative backgrounds face similar policing, where their beliefs are attributed to a desperate need for male validation rather than complex socio-cultural influences. This reflects a broader issue in feminist discourse, where the perspectives of women from different racial, cultural, and class backgrounds are often dismissed if they do not align with a dominant feminist narrative.

Why Men Are Rarely Held to the Same Standard

A critical flaw in the way the 'pick me' discourse is framed is that it ignores the role men play in shaping these dynamics. The existence of 'pick me' behaviour is not the fault of individual women but of a system that rewards women for prioritising male validation. Yet, men who reinforce these dynamics are rarely criticised. The burden of avoiding male appeasement is placed solely on women, while men who create and benefit from these standards escape scrutiny.

Furthermore, men have their own version of 'pick me' behaviour, often referred to as 'simping' or being a 'nice guy'. However, these terms do not carry the same weight as 'pick me' and are often used jokingly rather than as serious accusations that could harm a man's social standing. The gendered nature of social policing reveals how the pressure to conform to specific gender roles is disproportionately imposed on women.

The Need for a More Nuanced Conversation

The evolution of the 'pick me' girl discourse reflects a broader pattern in online feminist discussions, where critique of patriarchal structures is often redirected into policing individual women. Instead of fixating on calling out 'pick me' behaviour, we should be questioning why women feel the need to distance themselves from other women in the first place. Rather than condemning women who internalise misogyny, the focus should be on dismantling the system that rewards it.

Additionally, more attention needs to be given to the ways men uphold and benefit from these dynamics. Women do not exist in a vacuum; the behaviour of individual women cannot be understood without examining the broader structures that influence them.

At its core, the 'pick me' phenomenon is a symptom of a deeply ingrained social issue, not the cause. If feminism is to remain a movement for liberation, it must prioritise dismantling the root causes of gendered power imbalances rather than weaponising terms to pit women against each other.

Conclusion

The 'pick me' girl discourse started as a critique of internalised misogyny but has since been co-opted as a tool of social policing that reinforces many of the same gendered expectations it was meant to challenge. Instead of using it to shame women, we should be asking why male validation remains such a powerful currency, and why women are always the ones blamed for participating in it. To truly challenge misogyny, we must move beyond calling out individual women and start addressing the systems that shape these behaviours.